I have no idea how to encapsulate all the things I’ve learned in the past decade into a post, a caption, 10 slides. Nothing feels quite right. But here is my best effort.
I have accomplished many things in the past decade that I am proud of. But I am most proud of ~how~ I got here. And the fact that I am still here, despite so many odds.
Because, the reality is that the swimming records or awards weren’t the success; the 20+ hours of grueling training a week for a decade plus were. High school graduation wasn’t the success; the 5 months I spent in residential treatment for my eating disorder afterwards were - the fact that I haven’t engaged in ED behaviors since is. And my first job wasn’t the success; quitting it to do advocacy work full-time was. Getting my first apartment wasn’t the success; building the personal stability and mental grounding needed to move across the country from my family was.
Even becoming the first trans man to compete for a D1 men’s team wasn’t the success. The success was NOT leaving the first day, the first month, the first year. The success was showing up every single day at practice as myself, naked in my speedo.
Success isn’t always winning. Sometimes - a lot of the time - it’s just not quitting. It’s not stopping. It’s not giving up. It’s showing up, over and over again.
Additionally, as I keep growing older, I want to be constantly and consistently re-evaluating my priorities. I think it’s easy to get stuck thinking "this is how I am," or "this is what I want." In doing so, I I might trick myself into believing "these are just my values forever and they don’t need to be questioned." And maybe they are still my values. But maybe they’re not. Either way, I want to encourage kind curiosity towards myself about what continues to feel truly authentic to me as the years pass. I think questioning is vastly different form self-doubt. Questioning allows me to stand in stronger conviction in what I know to be true for myself.When crafting your own New Years resolutions, visit this post for some thoughts!--And don't forget to leave a few things behind in 2019...
Things to leave in 2019 –